After having forced the rural peasantry into armed insurrection against the oppressive imperialist state of Tsarist Russia and then overthrowing the Provisional Government that had released all political prisoners, guaranteed free speech, free assembly, the right to strike and democratic elections by seizing power at the head of the  Red Guard in order to liberate the masses so they could either starve to death, be sent to the gulags or shot following show trials, who better to help solve all those annoying little, but agonizing, problems of everyday life? 

A reader writes: Dear Skalinskis, I'm 42 years old and still live at home with my parents who complain when I stay out late, go to pubs and come home drunk at all hours of the day or night. Worse still, they complain when I play music really loud and say things like why can't I grow up and get a job. Please tell me what to do, I'm at my wits end. Wayne, Berkshire.  

Our Agony Dictators reply: 

Father Lenin - Wayne, history is strewn with the crimes of oppression, you should reject the shackles of your parents institutions. Perhaps you could write a long and complex impenetrable treatise analysing the revolutionary aspects of the state versus the individual from a Marxist perspective, while introducing the contradictory paradigm of the person as a state within a state and the inherent dynamic tension caused by the historical inequality of power being unfairly distributed between the two conflicting factions, those of imperialist intent who seek nothing more than to exert revisionistic control over the home they have worked so hard for all their lives and those at the grass roots level who through no fault of their own are forced to subsist under such repressive conditions. In this way you could incite yourself into instituting direct armed struggle against the reactionary forces inherent in your parents flawed petty bourgois thinking. Under no circumstances whatsoever should you be persuaded via their bludgeoning rhetoric into getting a job, not at least until you have, through acts of mass violence and organized protest, seized the means of production. 

Uncle Joe - I know of at least a dozen blokes down the pub who, for a couple of beers, would gladly testify against your parents and swear blind they were guilty of whatever trumped up charges you can think of. I recommend you read my new self-help book "50 ways to dispose of unwanted party members" (Penguin Classics, £5.99 all good bookshops). I would also strongly suggest you poison your witnesses beers to avoid any unsightly loose ends later when consolidating your position as head of the puppet household. Only when your status as leader is unassailable should you consider redecorating your parents house. However putting up wall paper and shopping for soft furnishings can be a tricky business and I would budget for it taking about 5 years. 

Auntie Leon - You could always try running away. Going into exile has always worked for me. You could try Austria, France, Spain, Switzerland, Turkey, Norway or  London, but personally having been there and done that I find them a little too cold in winter. Coming from near Odessa in the Ukraine I naturally prefer a much warmer, more temperate climate where you can relax and work on your tan. South America is the place to go, try Mexico City, they'll never find you there. 

SKALINSKIS - So there you go Wayne, handy advice we think you'll agree, now for our next reader.... 

Dear SKALINSKIS, I'm a high court judge and my mates and I have been arguing over which type of SKA is the best. We're compiling a chart and all agree that SKALINSKI SKANKING SKA is undoubtedly number one, but cant agree on what should come second. I say its old school Jamaican stylee, but my mates keep going on about two-tone, Ska-punk, Skate-ska, urban-sports-casual-ska and all sorts of other hyphenated musical forms that seem to be so popular with the younger generation these days. Please can you help, I'm at my wits end. Norman, Guildford. 

Father Lenin - Norman, I actually died in 1924 and so know nothing about modern popular folk music (though I did like S-Club 7 before they split). However if its full on foot-tapping tunes you're after I recommend adopting a popular christmas carol as a stirring anthem with which to stoke the fires of revolution. Maybe its because of all the snow, but in Russia those of us in the Bolshevic Party's Sunday Afternoon Glee Club love christmas (unlike all those  Menshevics who smell of wee). Singing round the fire, giving presents, building snow men, its great! Makes a relaxing break from agitating the prols. 

Uncle Joe - Norman, I too am dead, but I'm with Lenin on this one, xmas is fab. I find old death warrants cut up and stuck onto cardboard make excellent seasonal decorations. And, there's so many of them that there's always plenty left over for next year. 

Auntie Leon - typical Bolshies, no real dedication to the struggle to instigate everlasting world communism (why do you think they build their Gulags so far north? everyday is christmas day to them). My scorched earth tactics, as well as making the workers unite into starvation, would soon melt all that Snow. Stalin farts in the Bath and wears girls underwear. By the way I too am dead (no thanks to those Bolshevic grammar school boys, even after I bothered joining their silly party and reorganizing the whole of the Russian military for them in just one year). Hence I also know nothing about this ska music of which you speak. In my younger days Rankin' Julius Martov, MC Andrei Vyshinsky and I did form a three-part vocal harmony group called the Swinging Martov-Trotski-Vyshinski Singers, but really we found being revolutionaries and agitators offered much better prospects for personal advancement, that we gave it up after the first couple of gigs - Agit-pop hadn't been invented then and you do need something to fall back on. 

The SKALINSKIS - Our despotic revolutionary iconoclasts don't seem to offer much comfort - tough one this Norman, for in a way both you and your mates are right. However, we've had a chat amongst ourselves and decided that to avoid hurting anyone's feelings, you should put the SKALINSKIS in at numbers 1, 2 and 3. Just time for one more letter..... 

Dear Skalinskis, I'm the head of a failing Caribbean Marxist-Leninist state (name & address supplied - this letter is being typed by an actor) and although things were going well for the first few years when we had the support of our Heroic Soviet Comrades, ever since Boris Yeltsin turned the Kremlin into a Gay Bar & Discotheque things have begun to slip, consequently I now do not have enough food for the people or competitive exports with which to obtain enough foreign currency to be able to buy it. What I want to know is how, in the climate of post-cold war east-west co-operation and the globalization of mass markets driven by the increasing mobility of capital stakeholdings among the general public, do I rationalize the the inherent paradox in the success of exploitative capitalism over the socialist driven ideology of increased productivity as a means of economic growth without the need for innovation or change? people are beginning to question my credentials as a true communist dictator. Please help, I am at my wits end. Fidel "C", Somewhere off the coast of America. 

Father Lenin - um, er.......hum....... 

Uncle Joe - dumpty dum t dum..... 

Auntie Leon - ............who's that in my freezer?........aaaaggghh......... 

The SKALINSKIS -  Our dead twentieth century iconoclastic revolutionary ideologues with their nineteenth century based world views appear to have nothing useful to offer. However as Lenin (or someone like him) once (approximately) said "To each according to their need from each according to their ability". We're a SKA band Mr "C", whoever you are, and therefore we make no pretence about being able to save the world, just to 
 

SKANK IT UP A LITTLE!!!!   w